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This is copied directly word for word from Comedy Central's newsletter and the addresses and author below (hopefully with this acknowledgement, if they see it, I won't get sued.)
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Weekly horoscopes from Comedy Central's Karma Central
S. Felber, Astrologer (lucyvpelt@aol.com)
http://www.comedycentral.com/karma/
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TAURUS
If you want to hear about a Leonardo DiCaprio
sighting, see Leo.
If you want to know about your love life possibilities
read on.
Well, heck, anything's POSSIBLE. Probable, now that's
another story.
How probable is it that you'll get good nookie this
week?
Well, that depends on how attractive you are. Wait,
before you start
exfoliating, listen up. Or read up.
This week all signs demand an attractive personality.
Oh, and a voice
that's not annoying. Save your neat hat collection
and lip balm for
October. You'll need it.
GEMINI
So this week we're hearing from the Southern
Hemisphere like crazy.
We're so excited about this we're capitalizing
"Southern Hemisphere"
even though we don't know if that's necessary.
Now we've set our sights on scientists. We'd
particularly like to hear
from you if you work in a remote area and study bat
droppings in the
rain forest, or penguin poop in the south pole.
OK. On to Gemini. This is the week you also long to
make a long
distance connection. Old friends are on your mind.
But you're busy.
Will you make the time, or will you merely pine? It's
up to you.
CANCER
coming soon!
LEO
Normally, we'd tell you about what's in store for you
by looking at your
stars. This week we gazed at one star. And we'll
tell you all about
Leo.
This info isn't available anywhere else. What's more,
it's true. Hold
on to your bit and pieces.
We saw Leonardo DiCaprio. This past week. Uh-huh.
The puffy eyed boy
wonder himself. We'd like to say we saw him at a
party or had a chat
with him about Lowell Weickurt Jr.. But no. We were
having lunch at a
down home excellent non-touristy bar in midtown New
York City. The only
people in there were the owner, a cocktail waitress,
and us
astrologers. Leo walked in with a friend, put his
sunglasses a bit
lower on his nose, and looked around.
Then he walked right out, and missed out big time.
The special that day
was linguini with meatballs, a salad, and unlimited
garlic bread for
5.95.
This week, Leo misses out big time if they don't take
a chance on
something that, at first glance, seems lame.
VIRGO
Imagine an air conditioner that doesn't pump out cold
air, but leaks
nonetheless. That's kind of like your life right now,
Virgo.
All outward signs say you're working overtime. But
the truth is you're
not functioning correctly. A certain constellation is
making it seem
like you've got mucus on your medulla. And we all
know how much that
sucks.
This is the worst of it. In the coming weeks you'll
perk up. For now,
we suggest teriyaki marinades and fresh lemonades, but
only because we
enjoy them bunches.
LIBRA
We got more letters from Libras than we know what to
do with.
Surprisingly, the subjects they want covered are all
over the place.
So here's a run down on what the stars have planned
for y'all:
Work: better than a kick in the head. Ye Haw!
Love: better than a kick in head, but in terms of
love, how great is
that?
Smurf collectibles: Scarce and depressing pickings.
New Ventures: Not at all like a kick in the head,
more like a mighty
kick in the pants. Yow! And that's, as that
zillionaire house frau
freak would say, is a good thing.
Sex: you know, it's really hot here, and we don't
feel like writing
about all the sweaty Libra action that's gonna be
going down. Oooh but
we like thinking about it.
SCORPIO
This is a week you're padding around your pad and
being bogged down by
trivial details.
Choosing a desktop pattern could take you an hour or
three. Deciding if
you do or don't want some expensive cereal, could send
you into a
semiconscious state in the supermarket. Has your
shampoo gotten rid of
build up? Is there such a thing as shampoo buildup?
These are the windmills of your mind.
Is there some bigger question you're avoiding? Of
course there is. Or,
we think there is. We certainly hope there is.
This behavior could be pent up sexual energy. Heck,
it could be an
allergy to sport utility vehicles. In any case, we
think you should do
all us other signs a favor. Go out and get it on.
CAPRICORN
Round these parts, it's been hotter than a clam's
crotch. Don't ask us
how we know that. We'll just tell you that was back
in our crazy
experimental days.
We can almost see your hot little Capricorn bods
waiting for insider
astrology info. That's because we're using our
imaginations.
The imagination is a wonderful tool! It can be very
powerful!
Let your imagination run wild this week Cappy, since
we're sorry to say,
you won't be.
But hey, buck up, there's a pathetic Pisces who's
jealous of you. Work
it.
SAGITTARIUS
We've calculated your horoscope, and it's a doozie.
Here it is all in it's technical glory:
Saturn's mass multiplied by Tori Spelling's talent
equals zero. The
pressure Aaron Spelling puts on people to cast his
daughter equals the
pressure on the sun's inner core. When these two sums
are comprehended,
the feeling of helplessness reaches infinity. And
there's nothing
higher than infinity. Not even infinity plus one. We
then try to
divide the helplessness by irony, but it is really
just plain ol' faked
smug superiority. It doesn't work, but makes others
think you're cool.
Which is all that really matters in the short run.
Coolness.
This week you have an urge to pursue coolness, and you
can achieve it.
Coolness is intangible, because it doesn't exist.
Luckily the other
signs don't know that.
AQUARIUS
Ever order Chinese food for yourself and you get,
like, 3 fortune
cookies and bunches of plastic ware?
We have. It makes you feel like a greedy pig, doesn't
it?
This week Aquarius feels greedy. They feel
apologetic. They breathe a
little shallower, for fear they are using up too much
oxygen.
Enough already with the guilt. Pursue your earthly
desires for once.
Live a little.
PISCES
We astrologers know a thing or two about romance.
We know that it's a many splendoured thing. We know
that... actually,
that's the thing we know.
Oh, but the " many splendoured" thing is, love,
right?
"Splendoured"
looks like it's spelled wrong. Rats.
Shoot. Well, we do know that Pisces is more likely to
experience
romance right now. Or now. Or right now. Anytime
this month,
actually.
Once you do find yourself wrapped up in a grand
romance, write to us and
let us know what it is.
ARIES
We have a good friend who's an Aries. He's convinced
that when we're
writing our horoscopes, we're writing about his life.
What he doesn't
accept is that our 'scopes are just creepily accurate.
Yoo hoo! Ed! We know you're reading this! Hello!
OK, that probably embarrassed him away. This week
Aries worries that
they're going soft in the head when they find they
prefer comfort to
coolness. Wall to wall carpeting to shiny hardwood
floors. Suburbs to
cities. Boxers to spiked leather thongs.
Actually, you never liked spiked leather thongs, did
you? But
somebody's buying them, right? Probably your Virgo
co-workers for
their Taurus pals. But that's just a hunch.