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TAURUS
Have you felt that Taurus usually gets the most boring,
utilitarian
horoscopes across the board?
It's not your imagination.
This is the dirty little secret of the astrology
industry. It's not
that Taurus is any less glamorous than say, a Capricorn.
But it is true
there are few, if any, astrologers that are compatible
with Taurus.
Sexually compatible, that is.
Sure, astrologers can be friends with a Taurus, but
heaven forfend we
try to take it any further! Y'all just about bite our
heads off, or
even worse ignore us, or worser and worser... laugh at
us!
Sorry. On to your horoscope. This week Taurus excels at
food, clothing
and shelter endeavors. Awright we admit it! It should be
a very
glamorous week, actually. But you didn't hear it from us.
GEMINI
Cast your minds back loyal readers. It was about a year
ago that we
dissed the Southern hemisphere every chance we got. We
called people
in the Southern hemisphere "freaks" who
"think they're so cool just
because the water goes down the drain in a different
direction".
We hoped and prayed we'd get a letter from down there.
Then last week out of the blue we got a letter saying our
horoscopes
were too full of Americanisms from a Gemini named
Grahame. Sounds
pretty sexy. Here's the kicker, he's from New Zealand. He
actually
wrote, "g'day".
Whoa. Cool. New Zealand. Home of the mighty albatross,
the mushy over
seeded kiwi, and the first country to give women the
right to vote.
Plus in New Zealand you can see constellations you'll
never ever see
here.
But, let's be honest, Grahame might be a hunchback with
oozing sores.
And, admit it, America is the bestest place in the whole
world. Plus an
Albatross will attack you and leave you for dead if you
so much as look
at them funny.
This week Gemini's imagination runs wild. Your social
skills revert to
grade school as you taunt those you're attracted to for
attention.
CANCER
This week Cancer is annoyed by the proliferation of
celebrity gossip and
PR that parades as television programming.
We don't know if this is happening in New Zealand.
Frankly, if it
isn't, we wouldn't tell you, because you're so peeved,
you might just
move there.
You're prone to rash decisions right now. We caution you
not to act on
your strong passions. Last thing we'd want is you stuck
on a fjord in
New Zealand eating roast albatross on a stick.
LEO
Leo will tell a great story this week. An anecdote to die
for. People
will wish it happened to them. Liars will repeat the
story to others as
if it did happen to them.
So even if it feels as if little is happening this week,
your social
stock is actually going through the roof.
On another note, you don't smell very good. Not to make
you paranoid,
but others are afraid to say anything, for fear that
you'll be
offended. OK, we are trying to make you paranoid. Check
your smelly
bits, and then tell us it isn't true.
VIRGO
Aren't personal web sites a riot? We love surfing around
and finding
someone who has built a monument to themselves. In many
cases, we
wonder what makes these people think anyone would care,
all the while
staring with rapt attention at every page.
We found a site that gave you operating sounds for your
'puter, and
then found our way to the dudes web page. There we
learned that he's
got a girlfriend, and he juggles professionally with a
partner way out
west. We wrote to him and now he's got an open invite to
come visit us
anytime.
This is the week for Virgo to make an important
connection. If nothing
is happening in your world, which we know it isn't, go
out surfing and
make a connection. You may very well meet some smart
freak who makes
your life way more interesting.
LIBRA
We've got a Libra comrade who we've been out of touch
with. Found out
this week that he's in love. Real love. The big squishy.
We knew it as soon as we saw the picture on his web site.
There he was
with a chick looking like a cat that'd swallowed a
canary. You could
almost see feathers poking out of his mouth.
So all of you Libras listen up. Don't write to us saying,
"I'm a Libra
and I'm not in love, so what up with yer crappy
horoscopes?"
All's were saying is that your chances of finding love
are increased all
this year. Capice?
SCORPIO
Rarely does a Scorpio write to us and bleat, "Will
I find love?", like the other signs.
That's because you're pretty confident that you will find
love. Scorpio
hangs out like a tiger in tall grasses, waiting to pounce
on a tasty
looking antelope.
And then they get that antelope, because it's usually one
who's missing
a leg or just is too hot to run.
Are we saying that Scorpio likes to take up with easy
prey? Well, yeah,
but it sure cuts down the disappointment and letters that
bug
astrologers.
This week is your time to pounce with passion. Rowrrr!
CAPRICORN
A real live Capricorn wrote us:
"How about giving me some useful information, like
whether I should take
this new job or not. More money, benefits and better
working conditions,
but it does seem to be too good to be true. And, I'm
pretty comfortable
where I am. I'd hate to leave this job only to have the
new job not work
out, and then I'm stuck. Any advice?"
Cappy, cappy, cappy. All this year you've been lowering
your
expectations. It has disturbed us. You usual ambition has
been
squashed by self doubt. You've made many an
uncharacteristic decision.
But you are "comfortable", which is more than
you can say for your
average Leo.
Do what makes you comfortable, sure. Your instincts are
spot on. But
don't be surprised if your friends carp that they want
their daredevil
dynamo of a friend back.
SAGITTARIUS
This week Sagittarius wishes they could get more done.
Dishes pile up. Dust bunnies turn to dust woolly
mammoths. Laundry
that doesn't pass the smell test lingers.
It's only because you're having a good time. You will
continue to have
a good time. Don't thank us, thank Saturn.
AQUARIUS
Did you know that hair grows faster in summer? Wild, eh?
We don't know
why. We do know that someone in the Southern hemisphere
is getting
annoyed reading this, whining about how it's winter now
where they are.
Speaking of hair...
The goatee fad is out of control. It has gone on too
long. Every guy
who wants to sport a little facial hair and look cool is
doing it. Yes,
a goatee does look cooler than a simple moustache.
But all that's going to change. And then looking back at
pictures, your
ancestors are going to laugh at you as if you were
sporting massive
mutton chops.
But get this, mutton chops are the style of the future.
For real.
Aquarius is the sign that has the guts to go for it
first. So go for
the glory.
A chick Aquarius might feel left out in this horoscope.
Use your
womanly wiles to change facial hair for the greater good.
PISCES
Someone important in the TV industry told us, "Fame
is fleeting, at
best".
We tend to forget that.
Look at Eddie Cantor. Eddie who? Exactly.
Look at the Smurfs. They can't even get on an infomercial
these days.
This week Pisces feels insignificant. But they're doing
more for
humanity than most. Your efforts will have tangible
effects. Good
effects. So go out and help the Smurfs if you've got the
time.
ARIES
Aries is moving on this week. To new digs, or to a new
job, or to a new
diner because the one you usually go to served you
something with a long
hair in it that you practically had to pull off your
tonsils.
Whatever. The fact is you were not in an ideal situation,
and you took
action. Taking action makes Aries happy.
By next week you'll be in a better place, but then the
itch to move on
will be back. Don't scratch it. Play Boggle or do sit ups
or research
New Zealand intensely.
TAURUS
Bob Smith wants to run for president. Bob Smith recently
renounced his
Republican party membership. Bob Smith looks like a sea
bass with a toupee.
That's because Bob Smith IS a sea bass. Though, reliable
sources say it
might be his own hair.
You heard it here first. This week Taurus hears some
other juicy and
shocking gossip. Don't be like us, keep it to yourself.
GEMINI
Lots of people are talking about the Woman's World Cup. A
few are talking
about their astounding win. Most are talking about the
shirt incident.
"Did you see her? Did you see her?"
See what, we asked?
"This player, she ripped off her shirt maaaaaaan.
Right there on the field.
She ripped off her shirt"
We got all excited. Like, we're not used to athletes
showing their naughty
bits. So we start telling people, "Did you see her?
Did you see her?"
That's when it all came crumbling down. That's when a
Scorpio told us she
was wearing a sports bra. A sports bra is about as
revealing as wearing
something not at all revealing.
This week, Gemini is disappointed by other people and an
appalling lack of
naughty bits.
CANCER
New restaurants open in New York constantly. In an
upcoming rough and
tumble neighborhood a new restaurant opened. A Greek
tapas bar.
People are flocking to it. Ignoring all the older
restaurants like they
were dog poop tapas bars.
These are the same people that flocked and then fled from
"wrap" joints,
Chocolate chip cookie stores, drive through fondue huts.
This week Cancer should revisit an old favorite. Be it a
place with velvet
wallpaper, or an Orange Julius*. You need to link up with
your roots.
Food's a good place to start.
* Orange Julius, in our humble opinion, tastes like baby
aspirin.
LEO
Mugs. We love them. We have a serious funny mug
addiction.
Our friends don't find our funny mug addiction funny
anymore.
Is there some quirky and cute aspect of your personality
that has lost its
appeal?
Our sources say that Leo is annoying this week, quite
beyond their control.
Very frustrating for such a social sign.
The only signs that keep their faith in your coolness are
Capricorn and
Virgo. Stick by them or seek them out.
VIRGO
The railway killer has been captured. Which makes us very
happy. Now we
can tie our belongings in a bandanna, attach it to a
stick, and live the
hobo life without fear.
There's something you'd like to do, isn't there Virgo?
But you're chicken.
Bok! Bok! Bock bock BOK!
You do burn off a lot of calories imagining all the ways
your dreams might
be sabotaged. Though worrying is aerobic, it's not
helpful in getting you
any closer to bliss.
Do you fear bliss? Duh. Of course you do. But this is a
scary thing,
worth doing.
LIBRA
Man, you Libras write to us more than any other sign.
This week we got one
snippy Libra who doubted when we said they'd be lucky in
love.
Since they were alone, our horoscope must be false.
Our horoscopes are real, and as such must deal with
probable odds. If
you're sitting in your house writing to an astrologer,
that's a great way to
spend time, but not the way to meet babes*.
The stars can only tell you what aspects of your life are
easier or more
difficult. We tend to tell people what's easier because,
people are lazy
and flow towards it naturally. Then we look right more
often. Plus, who
likes to hear what's difficult? No fun at all.
This week, it's easy to complain. Then you feel all stale
for not taking
action yourself. Luckily some babe will find this
attractive. Just make
sure you're outside your house at least once so a passing
babe can see you.
*"Babes" mean either men or women, so stop
asking.
SCORPIO
The railway killer has been captured. Huzzah!
But why is it that he's appearing in orange outfits?
Whatever happened to
good old-fashioned black and white stripes? Is it because
when a prisoner
was next to bars they were camouflaged? Did stupid
officers see the
stripes, think they were bars and forget to put a
prisoner in a cell?
Big questions. No answers. Not without some research.
This week many
questions will come up that beg to be answered. You will
know the answer.
Show off your knowledge like the Scorpio who set us
straight about the
soccer chick who ripped her shirt off.*
*See Gemini
CAPRICORN
Time seems to be crushing down on you like something that
crushes down on
you.
Even a male Capricorn will worry about their biological
clock. No need to
worry male Cappy's, men can have kids when they're 102 in
the shade.
And chick Cappy's? Well, worrying is just a way to waste
time. And since
you're so freaked about time, it's a lousy circle of
thought.
This week will seem bumpy, but it really isn't. Time
seems to pass slower
every time you wish it to speed up.
Milk every ounce of fun out of seemingly mundane moments.
Oh boy, this
horoscope isn't fun at all is it? Makes it seem
so slow, doesn't it ? Point proven.
SAGITTARIUS
We like Sagittarius because they are the sign least prone
to jealousy.
Unlike us, they never seem to think someone else's
success has any relation
to or effect on their own.
Y'all aren't petty like that. We, however, hop up and
down like an angry
dwarf with hemorrhoids when someone we don't like
succeeds. When someone we
like succeeds, we're genuinely happy, but the kind of
happy that depresses
us.
It must be nice to be a Sagittarius. Well, it's even
nicer this week.
We're happy for you...really. Sigh.
AQUARIUS
Larry King sits with all his weight on his elbows. His
shoulders get
bunched up by his ears, his suspenders can't keep them
down and - Voila!
Perfect vulture imitation.
Now Aquarius, look at your posture. Come on. We know it
sounds so school
marmish (Actually, what IS a school "marm"?).
But the stars say your
posture sucks.
Other than your creeping tendency to slouch, everything
else is hunky dory
(what the @#$!#$ IS "hunky dory" anyway?).
PISCES
We know a Pisces who is extraordinary, which for a chick
Pisces*, is quite
ordinary.
She's a dynamo. She adorable. She attracts friends like
flies, and smells
nice so she doesn't attract flies.
Us astrologers went to her house the other day. Very
relaxing. Had a
blast.
Some of you might think we write this because we want to
be invited back.
Some of you would be right. This week most of you will
not get a hint like
this. Understand that your friends are panting to do
stuff with you. You
could invite them to do stuff, or just laugh at them as
they pant. Either
way you'll have a decent week.
ARIES
Donald Trump mentioned that if the reform party nominated
him, he'd win the
presidency.
This makes us shudder, even though it's a hot balmy
summer. Does The
Donald see Forbes and think, "He's a floppy looking
zillionaire, I'm a
floppy looking zillionaire...hmmm..."
Does the thought of Trump scare Aries? Probably not this
week. Y'all have
bigger things to worry about.
Expect to worry your pants off. Then luckily, you can
expect some Pisces or
Libra to admire your pantless self.
TAURUS
Ahhhhhhhh. How we love to get mail. Check out this juicy tidbit: THIS CHICK IS REALLY HOT AND I REALLY WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER BUT SHE'S ALREADY GOT A BOYFRIEND BUT HE'S A LITTLE WUSSY AND I'M A LOT BETTER THAN HIM WHAT SHOULD I DO. You can see, we never edit for clarity. Sure a question mark would've given the above the proper zing, but we're too hot to do it. So the writer, although we cringe at calling him that, neglected more than proper punctuation, he did not give his sign. Nor the girls' sign. Nor the little wussy's sign. But, we muddle through. First we'd like to point out that many hot women like little wussy men. They are so appreciative to be with hot women, that they bend over backwards. Plus they often rise to great heights. Bill Gates, Al Gore, and that annoying little wussy guy who co-hosts with Greta Van Nolips Sustren on CNN. Our advice to Taurus is to wuss it up this week. Pursue the lamest nerdiest activities possible. Hot babes of both sexes will flock to you. Do them a favor and open the door, and let 'em in.
GEMINI
Last weekend, a Gemini pal of ours did a very dumb thing. She biked many miles in the 100 degree heat. She's normally the type who doesn't run unless chased by a wild animal. She wound up on a sand-covered no-shelter path. She started to get chills. She almost lost all control of her bodily functions. Ick. Luckily she was with a wonderful man who helped her plunge into a nearby canal. Long story short, she's not dead. This week, not only will Gemini not be dead, they will be surrounded by good friends who help them not be dead. This is very important, since Gemini will continue to be inspired to do daredevil things this week of utter stupidity.
CANCER
Cancer finds they've been insulted by a family member this week. Cancer is stewing over this almost as bad as a Gemini's brain in 105 degree heat. It's hard to keep your cool exterior, isn't it? Cancer prides themselves on an easy going image. How not to lash out and look angry will be a serious trial for you. The best thing to do is not to confront anyone in anger, it's not productive, and it's not your style. But you must stop acting so cool. You are denying your true feelings and that can lead to systemic problems in later life. Do you really want your pancreas to go wiggy on you one day because of repressed emotions? If you do, you're freakin' weird.
LEO
The indoor thermometer where we work reads 92 degrees right now. It must be broken, since it is more like 102 in here. You could cook an egg on our telescope right now. If you had an egg and were here and seeking a nosh. Which, thankfully, you're not. This week the sun compels Leo to travel to exotic lands. Unfortunately, you don't have the money. So ignore the sun and follow the moon's pull. The moon not only controls the tides, but it also controls the availability of rental movies. This week Leo will find all the newest releases and favorite tapes waiting for them. That means no compromises like having to rent nature specials or Kevin Costner flops.
VIRGO
We know a Virgo who is seemingly out of character. Wild, bawdy, and proudly always willing to whip out the ticket she received for topless sunbathing. The stereotype of the Virgo as shy and pure is horse poopy. Sure Virgo's a tad repressed in their youth, but that only makes for a more spectacular coming out as freaks later in life. Leo might have a more constant extroverted personality, but that gets boring rather quickly, no? Yes it does. This week you are going to feel the repression bubbling up inside you like something that bubbles. Like pasta water ready for capellini to be plunged in. Your time to act out will be August. We can't wait to go on a bender with y'all.
LIBRA
More reader mail! Boy you Libras are dern prolific! "I'm a Libra, and my birthday is October 14th. I'm with this guy who is a Scorpio, and I was always warned not to date that sign. Should I dump him even though I'm extremely happy?" Duh. Sure Scorpio's are bizarre to the extreme, but that's no reason to dump him. Unless you're a Gemini, but you're not. And anyway... hey, wait a second, the mail we got last week was from a Libra who was all doubtful about a relationship, and their birthday was also October 14th... Let's check the ol' charts on this one... Man, our charts have been used as coasters! There are coffee rings all over our solar system... how embarrassing! Hey, one donut stain called attention to something very important. Actually the grease made our chart see through. Underneath we can see the headline of the Astrological gazette. It says, "Libras Love Crisis". It's best not to bore you and ourselves with the technical details. You have love all around you, Libra, but are too insecure right now to accept it. We advise y'all to do some insanely under-challenging task that will bring about feelings of success. Try latch-hook rugs, lanyard making, or paint by number books.
SCORPIO
Last week we gave Scorpio a stunning squirrel recipe. This week we give you a good talking to. The good talking to is best enjoyed with a nice tender bit of squirrel, so loyal readers luck out. Many people think astrology is bunk. Mainly because they find the idea that their lives are already written in the stars to be uncomfortable. "Don't we have free will?", they whine. Or, "I've got free will gosh darnit!", they bleat like sheep with a nasty case of hemorrhoids. Americans are reared to believe they have choice. We live in a democracy, yippee, I, I, A. But just look at how the presidential race is shaping up. Unless they find that George W. had an affair with a hemorrhoidial sheep, we are going to have him and Gore, to choose from. And why? Because they've got lots of money and power. If you've got money, you can get almost anything you want. Hell, send us enough money, and we'll tell you anything you want to hear. Until then, you've got to deal with the truth. Scorpio will have a nice week. Nice is nice. Nice doesn't mean grand passion, but nice doesn't suck. It's written in the stars and there's nothing you can do about it.
CAPRICORN
Generally people who are born on the cusp, love to confront astrologers. "I'm born on the cusp of whatever/whatever, what does that make me?" Then they stare at us like they've just given us some huge incomprehensible task. Most astrologers will deliver some crap to appease them like, "Oh, then your Scorpio side is always battling your Libra side which makes you an even more dynamic person." Then the cusp wussy goes away happy. Goes away is the operative word. Any astrologer worth their salt knows that people born on the cusp of anything, are the most annoying bunch on the planet. We had to get that off our chest, thanks. This week Capricorn experiences internal struggles. They will need to open up to someone. That someone is waiting. Just make sure they're no cusp freakazoid.
SAGITTARIUS
Got addictions Saggy? Many more Sags have what are considered nasty habits by most people. You have an artistic sensibility. Through the ages many artists have had the wildest addictions because they thought they had to, to be great artists. Smoking opium, drinking absinthe, finding a partner who was too young to use vowels. All these habits and more were the required accessories for the misunderstood genius. We tell you this because this week you are seriously bummed that more people don't find you cool. You crave attention this week. We're worried that you'll squander your health and your time trying to be cooler. Plus, it's seriously hard to find absinthe these days.
AQUARIUS
Horse flies. We hate 'em. You think, "Oh, it's a fly, no problem-o", and then it bites you. No warning. No excellent pissed-off sound like our friend the bee makes. No hanging out at garbage pails looking mean the way a yellow jacket does. Why do these flies have teeth, anyway? It almost doesn't seem fair. But that's life. That's life. A good philosophy for you this week. Your life will be fine and dandy. But someone you hate will succeed spectacularly. But, their success will be fleeting, and they'll get some horse fly bites on their big smug tushies.
PISCES
Hungry Pisces? Feel gnawing hunger and the sound of your stomach shrinking? Sounds like rubbing your finger along a balloon doesn't it? So, go get something to eat. The stars tell us that you're not feeling very independent these days. That you're waiting to follow another person's lead. Not a good idea this week. The people who are available to lead you are a bad influence. They'd like, take your ass out for Chinese food, and then order all the stuff you don't like. Then they'll stiff you for the check. And then they'll wrap you up in burlap and leave you for dead. The burlap bit was a lie, but we wanted to strongly suggest you get independent pronto.
ARIES
Ricky of former Menudo obscurity, now has a hit with "La Vida Loca". He has cats. He's good to his mother. Do the math. Seems everybody loves to complain when it comes on. It's not a great song and it's being overplayed. But see, what people don't get is that every summer must have an incredibly stupid hit song. It's written in the stars.
Macarena, where have you gone? Guy who wrote "Achy Breaky Heart", are you dead? Like a summer song, you too have a destiny Aries. You will always enjoy the summer more than you thought you would. This year is no exception.
TAURUS
What other horoscope gives you who you're compatible with and ways to beat the heat? This week air signs are drawn to you like flies to stuff flies like a lot. What's an air sign you ask? Oh, you didn't ask, those were just the voices in our heads. The way to beat the heat that works for us? Well right now our crack team of astrologers plus Len*, the alchemist, are wearing wet towels over our back and shoulder areas. Plus right now we're going on an iced tea run. Unfort, our Slip 'n Slide is on the fritz. Can you still even buy Slip 'n Slides? * Len is an alchemist, trying, as alchemists do to turn lead into gold. We don't know why he's still on the payroll, but he's a nice chap.
GEMINI
You're losing things, Gemini, and Mercury's not even in retrograde. Your phone book, your keys, and other necessities to seem to fly away. The upside? Fears are being lost too. And as Martha says, that's a good thing.
CANCER
Money is honey Cancer. You never seem to have enough. Cancer is the worst kind of spendthrift. Wait, why is the word "thrift" inside "spendthrift"? Our brain hurts. We couldn't get you to slow down if we tried. When you see a toy, you've got to have it. All we can ask is share the wealth. Buy us a drink or let us play with your Playstation*. * No we aren't paid to plug Playstation. It's also probably a registered trademark. What are they going to do? Sue us because we said we liked their product?
LEO
One of our friends lives in a building where they take recycling seriously. She must take it seriously, or she'll get booted out on her puffy pink ass. The other day, she almost had a nervous b. After Chinese take-out she snapped the fortune cookie. Before she could read the fortune, she froze. There's a recycling bin for paper. All her paper goes in there. And yet a small rebellious kernel remained within her. Or maybe it was the corn she had the night before. Short story long, she did not recycle the fortune. But she felt guilty. This week Leo feels guilt. It's stupid and unnecessary, let it go.
VIRGO
We have such old computers, that they've got to think, and think hard when you do something tough like italicize. In fact our online service is about to boot us because our version of their software came out before New Kids on the Block changed their names to The Backstreet Boys. Don't be like us. Buy some new stuff. Saturn says you're being handicapped by lame duds or weed whackers or crappy conditioner. The economy needs a boost during sleepy July. We're counting on you Virgo.
LIBRA
Reader mail time!
"I am a Libra, my birthday is OCTOBER 14th. I am in love with this guy. We went out for a while, but he was soooo shy, that it didn't work out. I think he still likes me, but I need advice. Can you help???" Our advice is to jump him. When you do, you'll find out that he's not really all that shy, he's just gay. If you're a gay Libra, things will go swimmingly. If not, move on. Libra has better things to do this week than stroke egos and draw them out of their clammy shells. Meet someone fun, and have fun. Remember the words to that one hit wonder, "We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time", and wonder why it was a hit.
SCORPIO
This week Scorpio has to work harder. That's no fun. It'll all pay off for you come August. But for now, we feel sorry for Scorpio, so you get a prize!
A recipe!
Ham (or bacon) and Squirrel in Wine
1/2-lb. ham slice, diced and browned (or 1/4 lb of bacon cooked and cut into pieces)
2 squirrels cut into pieces
flour
salt and pepper to taste
2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp oil
1 cup dry white wine
1/2 tsp. marjoram
1/2 tsp. rosemary
2 cloves garlic minced
1 dash Tabasco
1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
Brown the ham pieces until crispy or cook and piece bacon. Shake the squirrel pieces in flour, salt, and pepper and saute until brown in butter and oil, turning often for about 12 minutes. Add remaining ingredients, cover, and cook over fast simmer for 20 minutes more. Serves 6.
CAPRICORN
We saw a dude on TV* who tucks his tie into his pants. Sorry but that kind of behavior makes us look cool. You Capricorns don't need to worry about not being cool this week. For a limited time only, you are cool. Even if you're going down to the stream to beat your clothes against a rock in a manure scented field, you're cool. So, ah, will you invite us to join in your reindeer games? *We don't name names, but his name rhymes with Randy Victor.
SAGITTARIUS
Sometimes it's hard getting our work done with all the mail we get. Some of it is horoscope mail, but most of it reads something like this, "I want 2 beecum a wrtier 4 Win Ben Stein's money. I've got lots of grate ideas! !!!!! Who where can I submit my stuf to?" It's also South Park and now, people are even trying to send us samples to write for Vs. or The Man Show. We don't read samples. We have no power or pull at Comedy Central. Our boss is the sun, our manager the moon. Get it? Got it? Good. This week a Scorpio comes and lights up your life.
AQUARIUS
People wonder why Americans are so fat. We don't. See, way back when people had to go out for ice cream, because they didn't have freezers. Iceboxes didn't keep the Ben and Jerry's cold enough. All the walking back and forth to the store schlepping ice cream kept people thin. We know that you're considering starting a fitness program. Before you waste your money on a club membership, go out to the store now and get some ice cream.
PISCES
Star Wars Episode one sucked. There we said it. We knew we could be blunt with Pisces this week. But we're astrologers. Others will pussy foot around with you. Sure the name pussy foot makes it sound cute, but it's not. It's lousy when others try to spare you the gory details. Other signs are, thanks to a galaxy far far away, intimidated by you. This week dress cutesy, talk cutesy, act cutesy. Then others will give you the honesty you crave.
ARIES
OK, so it's so hot we're wearing wet towels. We don't pretend it's attractive. We really think it's attractive. Hey speaking of heat, look in the mirror! Ba da bing! You're hot! Hotter than ever! Due to that nasty sunburn. But seriously folks, your luck is hot. White hot. Red Hot. Blue Hot. This fourth you're going to see fireworks. That's not a euphemism. You're going to be seeing fireworks, and you're going to enjoy good luck. Don't squander your luck on crappy people or scratch off tickets.