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"Be free my friends. One for all and all for me - me for you and three for five and six for a quarter."
"Do you know that this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker?"
"Your eyes shine like the pants of my blue serge suit."
"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you."
Groucho: "What do you get an hour?"
Chico: "For playing, we get ten dollars an hour."
G: "What do you get for not playing?"
C: "Twelve dollars an hour. Now for rehearsing, we make a special rate - fifteen dollars an hour."
G: "And what do you get for not rehearsing?"
C: "You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we don't play. And if we don't play, that runs into money."
G: "How much would you want to run into an open manhole?"
C: "Just the cover charge."
G: "Well, drop in sometime."
C: "Sewer."
"You go Uruguay and I'll go mine."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"Do you want your nails trimmed long?" "Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothing to do."
"Look at me: I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I want to register a complaint. Do you know who sneaked into my room at three o'clock this morning?" "Who?" "Nobody, and that's my complaint."
"There's a man outside with a big black moustache." "Tell him I've got one."
"The dean is furious. He's waxing wroth." "Is Roth out there too? Tell Roth to wax the dean for a while."
"Take a card. You can keep it, I've got fifty-one left."
"My husband is dead." "I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse." "I was with him to the end." "No wonder he passed away." "I held him in my arms and kissed him." "So it was murder!"
"This is a gala day for you." "That's plenty. I don't think I could manage more than one gal a day."
"What is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but pours?"
"I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'll dance with the cows and you come home."
"The general at the front reports a gas attack." "Tell him to take a bicarbonate of soda and some water."
"Do they allow tipping on the boat?" "Yes, sir." "Have you got two fives?" "Oh, yes, sir." " Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you."
"Don't point that beard at me, it might go off."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse."
"I'm Beatrice Ryner. I stop at the hotel." "I'm Ronald Kornblow. I stop at nothing."